Relationships are for enjoying

In my earliest years I was reared mainly by my grandmother as my parents both worked. For my grandmother, raising kids and raising dogs was much the same process. Punishment came until the desired behavior was achieved, and good behavior was maintained by the threat of more punishment. That's the way it was done in those days and most of us experienced our childhood like that.

We tend to bring the same need to control our partner and the same method of control into our relationship. No matter how compatible two people are, there are always going to be moments of disappointment and differing, even contrary needs, particularly needs for togetherness and separateness. If you try to teach your partner, to control your partner, to use anger or punishment, you are unlikely to get what you want and may simply drive the other person away.

What is this relationship about anyway. It is not to make you happy. You may well be happy, but you won't be if you are frustrated and angry. The relationship is for your growth. One of the ways you will grow is to grow into being a well functioning team, and that takes time. As you would do with your tennis or beach volley ball partner, you can make mention of things that didn't go well but you will play better as a team if you are your partner's cheering section and backup. You are where your partner can't be. You make little of the inevitable errors and your partner does the same for you, each egging your partner on to play better and better.

In the end, what we want is to be enjoyed. This is a point I am likely to return to time and time again. If you will focus your attention on what you enjoy in your partner both you and your partner will be changed. Your frustration and anger will subside and the things your partner does or fails to do that anger you will disappear once you make a non-emotional mention of them.

Relationships are not for correcting someone or making someone different. Relationships are for enthusiastically enjoying someone and being enjoyed.

Now go love and be happy.