Who's to Blame?

I got two interesting comments from my last post. They interested me because they both said the same thing and were unexpected to me. Essentially what the commentators said was that if someone is not able to make the choice to be happy because of some condition or circumstance, then my argument blames them and that blame is unjustifiable. I can't help but agree. Blaming is unjustifiable.

It is my observation that blame attempts to find a cause and effect relationship or to find an explanation in an attempt to resolve a problem or to prevent harm from occurring again in the future. According to Tennen and Affleck (1990), blaming comes from an attributional style. It places responsibility for events outside of the person and onto someone or something else.

What is more interesting to me is the question of who does not blame and what happens to them? Again, according to Tennena and Affleck, “One [style] is the person's ability to find the good or benefit in a bad situation. This ability is characterized by statements such as 'Maybe it is for the better,' and 'Some good may come out of this.' Similarly, people who tend to make downward comparisons (e.g., 'I am fortunate for what I have. Others have lost so much more.') are less likely to blame others.”

Martin Seligman includes this ability to find good in bad situations and to make downward comparisons as part of learned optimism. In other words, we can all learn to find good in bad situations and make downward comparisons and blame less. Of course, it would take some practice and creativity for many of us to learn to do it. But the payoff is big. It is a tool, which, if well practiced, can help us cope with enormous tragedy and disappointment. It can also help us preserve our good relationships with other people. Knowing that you have the ability to overcome great difficulty without shifting responsibility to someone or something else brings with it a sense of confidence and maturity that is hard to shake.

There is one comment that I am already anticipating and that is that some people have a tendency to blame themselves even when the blame is not justifiable. Again, I think this comes from an attempt to find a cause and effect relationship or to find an explanation in an attempt to resolve a problem or to prevent harm. However, blaming oneself doesn't accomplish that end but is an end-point in itself. It puts the self at the center rather than defining and solving the problem at the center. So while you may be the person responsible, blaming yourself does not help. Blaming yourself is a distraction and makes you feel bad. Feeling bad is not a good place to be if you need to solve or prevent a problem. In these cases, if you place the problem outside of the self, without blaming anyone else, you can get a good look at it and then find a solution.

Here's a bit of advice for couples. It is not uncommon to blame one another for your unhappiness and the cause of your disagreements and fighting. It is far more useful to look at the repeated pattern of interaction that leads to the disagreements and your pattern of fighting, and work on changing that. Neither of you is to blame as you are both caught in the same pattern. By shifting your attention from blaming to the problematical patterns of interaction, you have a good chance of feeling better about each other and working together for change.